Requiem For A Dream

An Unexpected Revelation

2005-08-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

My posts are more personal than generic and I think, they are mainly an expression of my thoughts maybe to a large audience. So, obviously an incident has triggered off this post - an unexpected revelation from a friend.

I have been grinning about it since yesterday. I was actually not shocked, but very very surprised. Though I am happy to see him happy. I do wish him success and happiness. Wish, I could say the same for myself. Probably there are better things in store.

A hiatus and a discovery

2005-04-11T02:47:00.000-07:00

It has been indeed quite a long hiatus. There was neither an inclination nor the motive to write, so did what most people do in such situations - took a break or should I say, had developed a writer's block :-)

Off late, I caught myself talking a lot about people and thought do I write about people as well?? So, I went and re-read my posts to figure that out. I found that most of my posts are about myself, and this one is no different. I think, that's a good way of reiterating and getting over things that may be disturbing or pleasing.

Anyway, now to the discovery. We all, have atleast one well-meaning friend. It is about such friends that it is said - who needs enemies? I discovered the identity of my well-meaning friend recently. I, do not see the reason as to why, but I am sure that that person has a good reason to be my well-meaning friend. Henceforth, I'll just be careful of my interaction with that person though.

Change

2005-02-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

is said to be the only thing constant. It sounds like a contradiction, but on further thought, one will agree that it is true. I think when one changes in the right direction it can only lead to growth. But, yes, for me to change, I have to be convinced about the change. I will not change, just because my behaviour displeases someone or someone wants me to change. Of late, though, I have changed. In the past year itself I have changed. And going by the feedback that I receive from people it must be for the good.
I had been thinking of penning these thoughts for quite some time now, never got around to it. But, today, someone reiterated an observation made by a very good friend of mine and I had to put these thoughts on 'paper'. So, here I am writing about change and how I have changed over the past year or so.
A good friend 'A' and his friend 'B' and I were part of a lunch group. Though B and I were always cordial to each other, we never were as good friends as A and I are. However of late, B's behaviour towards me changed and A asked him about it. To which the response was - my (B's) behaviour has not changed, it is she (I) who has changed. (Actually, pardon me if this gets confusing, but it is primarily because I want to write without invading the privacy of my friends).
If, it were the way, I was earlier, I would not even try to be cordial to a person who has upset me (I still reserve this behaviour, though it depends on the degree to which I'm upset with the person). Anyway, so, I decided to let bygones be bygones and talked to such a person sometime last year, before he left to pursue his career goals elsewhere. After, my break in silence with him, I've had enough number of arguments with him, but each time, I've managed (that's a big thing for me) to look beyond the arguments and talk to him again. Today, it was him who actually brought to my notice yet again the change in behaviour. His observations - I've become more patient, sobered down, have become much more likeable, approachable and sensitive. Believe me, coming from him, these are compliments, primarily because he and I have such a different thought process in almost everything, it is like we always agree to disagree.
One last thing, that I would like to say is about my friend A. Sometime back, he reacted to something which I did, in a bad manner. Normally, I would have been very, very upset with him, but I just decided, yes, his behaviour hurt, but I shall not let it affect the afternoon and went along with him for lunch as usual. He was happy with it ofcourse and it kind of confirmed B's observation about me to him.
There are still a few things that haven't changed though, my resilience and also my inability to tolerate the idiotic or rather non-existent traffic sense in Bangalore.
On the whole, though, I am just glad that I've changed. I wrote this, because, right now, I just need to feel very, very good about myself.

A reason

2005-02-09T00:47:00.000-08:00

to be anguished
I say anguished, because of the apathy in people's attitude, I don't want to get involved, please don't drag me into this. Such is the attitude when the aggrieved party is a good friend? Does one have to be politically correct at all times?
My take is that, if you disagree or have no comments then do precisely that. If you do need to comment, then a simple comment of this is not in good taste and need not have been addressed in a public forum should suffice.

to feel proud
of myself. A couple of them -
Yesterday, there was a response (seems like a week of responses ) to an email composed by a friend of mine. This response mail sounded like a tirade to me and that too in a public forum. It was about a good friend of mine, so I had to write back. I actually sat down, thought over the contents and wrote back. It was not done in the hope of any payback, but it did, and I am now proud of myself that I did what I did.
The second one, being a friend of mine recently visited my blog and complimented my writing, thinks it can be an alternative career .
As an aside, I had gone to watch a movie yesterday, where the author lands up in an asylum because he is not able to discern the line between reality and fiction, doesn't realize that truth can be stranger than fiction. I am very tolerant towards all movies and this one is no exception, except for the last 1/2 hour or so. Wish, I had left the theatre earlier.

to be happy
I had composed a thank-you-cum-farewell note, I got a very long reply to that one. Since my note was a basically a goodbye note, a response was not expected. I didn't write back to the reply note. (Phew, I hope that was not too confusing ) However, I received another message today, questioning if it was my 'right to remain silent' (well, these were not the exact words, but couldn't resist putting in that line) now? Hehe, I'll just be flattered for the moment and think, if I do compose a reply.

The onus and the responsibility.

2005-02-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

Sometime back, I decided that, I have invested enough time in something and set a date. I knew then that the end would be gradual. I hadn't considered any external circumstances or the other party's involvement in that decision. There was no consideration in case of a favourable response at all. There was, a not so favourable response either.

I do rue the fact that things haven't moved in the way that would have made me happy. A very very small hope is still alive. I do check for tidings that might make my wishful thinking come true, but the ultimatum remains and I've accepted it. It's is just the burden of the wait that remains. I call it a burden because, I do not want to later on regret the fact, that I didn't wait the time, I had said I would.

It is thus, now a responsibility. I know it is a solace to myself, but I would like it to grant myself that small pleasure.

To do list

2005-02-01T04:55:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine, actually this sweet kid who works in my office was on vacation and she got back from home. Ofcourse, I got tons of homemade goodies. She usually visits my desk atleast once during the day. We have a small chat and then each one back to work.

Today, as I was walking back to my desk, I see her sitting forlorn at her desk, so I detour to her place to find out if everything's fine. As it turns out, she's fine, it was just an appearance. Then, I notice the T-shirt that she's wearing. The T-shirt literally makes me do this:

It reads:

To Do list

Brad Pitt
Tom Cruise
Enrique
Keanu Reaves
Richard Gere
Pierce Brosnan

And it just got me in splits. Am still wondering if she does understand the meaning of the list

The latest I have is that she does understand the meaning of the list.

A breather

2005-01-26T10:12:00.000-08:00

is a respite. For me, it is a holiday right in the middle of a working week. That's what 26th January was. So, in preparation to the holiday, I went for Yamini - the Dusk to Dawn festival in IIM-B on tuesday. The schedule did indicate a lot of good stuff. I reached in time for the Mohan Veena presentation by Pt. Vishwa Mohan Bhatt. Carnatic is not something that I follow, even though it was instrumental. But, I did enjoy the second piece presented by Panditji. It was hindustani. I even figured out a song based on the raag, though googling has not given me the same results. I'll just go by my instinct on that then.
I was very disappointed with the 'Kathak' presentation. It was mentioned to be 'Kathak' but, it was more of fusion choreography. Well, I do learn dance which is not in its pure form, so it is not that, I'm averse to fusion in any form, however, I would have appreciated it, if it was mentioned out there, I would have set my expectations right . I actually left without waiting for the grande finale which was supposed to have been good.

Had a movie planned up for the holiday, a movie called Page 3. Well, everyone knows what Page 3 is, but a movie about that? Well, it was exactly that, parties, high-flying lifestyles, air-kissing and farcical relationships. The movie was very neat, but then I am very tolerant towards movies, since I basically love watching movies. The movie kept its grip on me pretty much through the entire duration. A few scenes were disturbing for me - a drug peddler being 'encountered' when he talks about 'mandavali' and the other one was which showed a famous industralist and his paedophilic exploits.

To sum up, a song from the movie would go well -
Kitne ajeeb rishtey hain yahan pe,
Do pal milte hai, saath saath chalte hain
Jab mod aaye to bachke nikalte hain.

A lunch time discussion again

2005-01-24T03:06:00.000-08:00

Friday afternoon, my lunch group decided to take a respite from the "dishy" fare served in our office. So, it was decided for us, that we go to a popular pizza joint. The wait was of 10-15 minutes, during which we browsed through the paintings on display. I totally fell in love with a painting of an egyptian mummy.

Finally, we sat down to lunch and during the course, the conversation veered to Vasantahabba. I being the knowledgeable one informed the group that the event had been cancelled this year. To which arose the question Why? The Vasantahabba is a free for all event and a lot of dance-music patrons eagerly await this event, so a couple of my friends were upset about its cancellation. The reason for its cancellation is the recent tragedy that struck the coastal regions of India. The organisers are going to channel the funds towards the tsunami victims. The suggestions that arose were - they should probably charge an entrance fee, or keep a box for donations.
I agree with the organisers in the cancellation of the event and took it upon myself to present what might be the reason behind the decision. My theory -

The organisers wouldn't want to charge an entrance fee primarily because it goes against the spirit of the festival. It is meant to be an event which is free for all. And, I did not think the suggestion of keeping a box for donations to be a great one. My reasons being: when it comes to voluntary contributions, it is upto the individual to contribute and each one might have already done their bit or not. So, as per me the amount of money that would be collected via a box for donations would never be able to match the amount that the organisers had spent on conducting the event.

This not only effectively convinced my upset-over-the-cancellation friends but also earned me a compliment on my hypothesis.
I guess, I've actually started exerting my brain cells...

Yippee!!! It's the time to disco

2005-01-21T01:55:00.000-08:00

4th December, was the dance presentation and then there was a break. I almost get depressed when such a thing happens. For a week after the last class/presentation, I really miss the dance and activity. I eagerly await the beginning of the next batch. And guess what, my dance class is about to begin. I am so excited. Even though, this time, the batch is of a shorter duration.

A few of my friends from the previous batch are in this class. A new instructor, a new song, cool.

The hopeful ballad

2005-01-20T00:21:00.000-08:00

STILL LOVING YOU

Time, it needs time
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can bring back your love someday
I will be there, I will be there

I'll fight, babe, I'll fight
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can break down the wall someday
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again
I'm loving you

Try, baby try
To trust in my love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, our love
Just shouldn't be thrown away
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know
What you've been through
You should give me a chance
This can't be the end
I'm still loving you
I'm still loving you, I need your love
I'm still loving you

Signs??

2005-01-19T21:33:00.000-08:00

In all probability, though I think a figment of my imagination. This chat with someone had ignited a small flame of hope.

So, there I am, as is the case on most weekends, alone watching TV. Surfing, I land up on this channel which is showing 'Monsoon Wedding'. It's the scene where heroine is walking back home alone, after having told her fiance about her escapade with her ex-boss. You then, see him following her, stopping her and telling her - "I am sure, we can go through this, we can put this behind us".

Was that a sign??? Well, I don't know? Mirza Ghalib had said - "Dil ke khush rakhne ko, Ghalib, yeh khayal bhi achcha hai". An argument can ofcourse be, it is on celluloid and celluloid, mostly sells dreams right?

Cut to reality - the next day. Today, I'm watching a movie called 'Chasing Amy'.

An interesting piece of conversation's happening, so I linger and I lingered on till the end of the movie. The storyline is something like this - the hero falls in love with the heroine, only problem, the heroine is lesbian. However, as their friendship grows, she falls in love with him too and they have a relationship. The hero has this well-wisher(?) best friend who finds out that the heroine was not always a lesbian and has had a very colourful past. Our hero, being the man he is, cannot handle that past of her's and to be on the same platform with her, comes up with a brilliant idea, which ofcourse is not so brilliant. They drift apart. There's this nice piece of conversation in a restaurant when one friend conveys to our guy, what I finally figured out to be the reason behind the name of the movie. A year later, our guy and girl meet again and our guy has written a complete comic book with them as the main characters.

But, that's where the movie ends and I have been wondering, whether I should let this optimist in me raise its head and say there's hope or leave it again at what it was.

Another thing that happened, I went to meet a friend and he's playing music. The song, that's playing when I walk in - Still Loving You by The Scorpions. If you've heard the song and paid attention the lyrics, it is on similar lines and something that I would attribute to being a cause for many a failed relationships.

On that note, I shall sign off...

Musings of a non-recluse

2005-01-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

The previous blog evoked a response of being pessimistic. What an antithesis, coming from a person who's never seen as serious, always this cheerful person with hardly a serious bone in her body and someone who might pass off with optimism as her middle name. So, I decided to set the mood right and pen down a few of the "unquotable" quotes that have been coined over lunch table discussions, at-the-desk discussions, over IM.

A burst of creativity at what would be seen as an unearthly hour for most earthlings on this side of the dateline:
Intelligence is not the need of the hour, it is the essence of the being.

Law of conservation of hair - especially for a friend who's losing hair at a rapid pace, so he coined this one:
Hair should neither be created nor destroyed. It should only be transferred from one place to another. (He's growing a beard these days )

Something which is a characteristic of me, but the way, I would like to put it -
I am not moody, I'm just predictably unpredictable.

Newton's third law (well, I know atleast one more connotation of this one which I'd rather not publish here ) :
For every advantage, there is an equal and opposite advantage.

That's about all that I can recall at present.

Requiem for a dream

2005-01-17T09:53:00.000-08:00

It is probably time for me to do exactly that - hang up my dream. The dream which might never happen. Someone on Y! messenger today had her status set to - I am not going to hold my life back for a dream that never worked out. That set me thinking of a dream that could have happened.

A day, like any other day, except for the date - February 11th. It holds significance in my life, something that I would rather forget, but cannot. My existence is attributed to it. Well, that's another story to be dealt with, maybe someday. After all, tomorrow is another day, right?

So, it was February 11th 2004 and I get in to work as usual, log on to the tons of messengers that I am always online on. It was actually a surprise that someone whom I had been exchanging offline messages with materialized. A conversation began. Things progressed gradually and I actually started moving in a direction which I had forgotten existed. It was nothing but an instinct which made me persist on, when everyone seemed to be advising me against treading the path on which I was.

A small misunderstanding or was it a difference of opinion? I didn't think it was big enough to balloon into a total breakdown of communication. So, there was a breakdown and long enough for probably a saner person to have composed this requiem then itself. That streak of insane optimism proded me into writing and the conversaton that followed awakened that hope again...

A dying hope which took one more step today and I set a date. February 11, 2005 it shall breathe its last and my requiem shall reach a crescendo.